My Friday

My Friday (June 25, 2010) has been awesome.  I enrolled and got accepted into college again, this time, DeVry University, Atlanta.  I had to go and take a series of tests over a 3 hour time limit, designed to test my aptitude, and passed in the 90th percentile.  So needless to say, I'm a little excited.  Got about a week off before I start up and it feels good.  I'm going to major in Multimedia Web Design and Technology...seems like something an eclectic cat would like, right?  LOL 

That's my today. I feel like I'm heading in a new, yet, exciting direction, and I am proud of me....good job, good sir.!
Dwayne

Video Of The Day: Depeche Mode---Behind The Wheel

One of my favorite videos/songs from the 80's, (1987 to be exact) the song is dark, and the video represents exactly what the song is about: Relationships. Love this.

Dwayne

Once Upon A Time....

....there was a little boy named Dwayne.  Dwayne was your average American little boy.  He loved to play sports, video games, dance, and basically get into any and everything. (typical little boy ish)  Even as he grew, he continued to enjoy being with friends and family, hell, even looked to the stars dreaming of a way to be in a place where he was happy...you know....happy.  At the age ten, Dwayne began to feel weird.  He just could not figure out where these feeling of distance, unfamiliarity, and emptiness started coming from.  Yet and still, he just went on...on playing, dancing, writing, and....dreaming, except these dreams had him in strange places, with strange people he didn't know....but they cared and he knew love would be something real and not prayed upon.  As those crazy/dreadful teen years approached, he was still searching, yet, had the ability to compartmentalize any and all of the terrible things that were going on at the time and occurred in (at that time) his most recent past. 

He moved on to basketball, football, track, and women...ahem, excuse me, girls.  Since those were the principle driving forces back then, he was once again able to compartmentalize his real life, and create a persona different than anyone had ever seen.  Best part of it all was that, he was in control, and everyone in his movie were just co-stars, if that, he was the star.  Even with that awesome mind state, something was wrong.  He started becoming cynical and guarded.  He had some awesome times, but he didn't trust any of his friends, family, and especially the women, excuse me, girls, he was bedding at the time.  Now look at it this way:  Handsome-ish, athletic, affable nature, funny, smart....don't you think having all of those attributes in your pocket would make you feel powerful, right?

No.  Far from it.  To think of it, it was the most miserable times because there wasn't a light at the end of the tunnel...I'm sure there wasn't a tunnel at all, but at the same time, he packed it all away to deal with later.  Fast forward past high school and you have Dwayne, the Airman!  He enlisted in the Air Force as a way to find his path and to figure out where life was taking him.  He did it partly because of his father and figured it would be the perfect way to make him proud, all the while making money and traveling on Uncle Sam's dime.  Well, that plan didn't out as hoped.  Don't get me wrong, it was some of the best times in his life, yet, during that ten year period, he found himself slipping further and further away from everyone else and even himself.

The same story was starting to rear its head;  Dwayne having major trust issues and constantly searching for any and every reason to distance himself from everyone.  He didn't now it in this sense at the time, that comes along in a few.  So where were we?  Yes, the Air Force.  Fast forward to 2005; Dwayne has a beautiful 3 year old daughter and is married too the best woman God has ever created for an companion.  Would you like to guess what all happened?  Dwayne sabotaged his marriage and career for....the path.  A path he had no idea existed. Nor had a damn clue why he was walking...and alone at that.  But you see, he enjoyed it that way.  He figures if that's "his" mindset, he wouldn't have anyone hurting him, or he wouldn't be hurting anyone.  Boy did that plan backfire.  Dwayne then went through a depression that lasted nearly three years, and he became content looking backward instead of forward, mentally engaged in war he could never win, and for what you ask?  Don't worry, its coming.

Fast forward a few years to the right now; and the answer(s) became crystal clear.  He was missing his mother's love and affection and his father's ACTUAL man-like guidance, approval, and love.  He hadn't received any of the aforementioned via his parents and seemed to go through life as blind as Ray Charles.  Can you imagine what he's seen?  What he's been through?  If you had a clue, you'd understand, but that's for a different time.  When the realization finally hit Dwayne on his 31st birthday, he felt alone....alone, alone.  He looked back on his life in hindsight  and hated his mother for all that she didn't do, and ALL of the terrible things he was exposed too.  For the fact that he was cooking and cleaning at the age of 6 and how he knew what cocaine, violence, death, alcohol, cigarettes, and sex were before he even learned division.  He hated his father because of who he is, and how he won't be true to himself for the sake of anyone.  Oh well, you see the words were "hated," he has now moved on and gotten to a place where life is what it is.  And he is fine with that.  He still loves mom and dad dearly, but wouldn't life have been awesome if it were done the right way....you know...happily?

Probably not, but I think he's great now, and things are finally less hazy....holy shit!, we have a sun and clouds!!?

That Damn Time of Year....

...yup, its that damn time of year...you know, that time where there are no Basketball, Football, or hell, even Hockey or Soccer on. (Sans The 2010 World Cup we are currently viewing...well, at least I know I am.)  Nothing but regular television.  How do you normal people just watch...regular television?  Baffels me.  Don't get me wrong, I enjoy television like everyone else.  My DVR is filled with an myriad of different types of programming, but that's just it; its filled with, and obviously not being "viewed," in real time.  Thats me.  I watch sports live and the rest of the television world is on delay until I am ready to dive in. 

I actually hate the fact that I have to start watching these shows now, and its only because I feel that void.  For the remainder of June, until the end of August, I'll feel that void.  Incompleteness.  But the best part of it all is that once I allow the void to set in and the feelings of the right now slowly subside, football, College and Pro, along with basketball, will be right there to guide me...back.  Back to my personal heaven, which occurs between September and June.  Constant information, updates, scores, injuries, drama, controvery...it will all return, and my life will be back to normal:  Back to revolving around sporting events, and all that it entails from fantasy sports, to the passions that rise during the playoffs. 

So what do I do in the meantime....what....oh what too do.....

Dwayne L.

Guess Who...

...It's Me!  Alright, I know that was dumb corny, but its been a while since I've visited my blog, let alone written in it.  Since my 31st b-day (I know, I'm getting old) I've been on the road a little, deep in thought a little, and tired beyond belief.  I've also discovered some awesome things about myself that I didn't know existed and that's always amazing. 

I plan on writing in this blog for a long time, but I think we all need little breaks here and there....right?  I've been watching Hockey, Soccer, Baseball, and the NBA Finals.  For the first time in my life, I think I am becoming a truly well-rounded sports fan and it feels great because I didn't know what I was missing in following some sports. 

Umm...what else...there is nothing else.  I've said a bunch of nothing, and it actually feels good to write that type of nonsense again.

Dwayne L.

31 Years....

Ya know, I never thought I'd be 31.  Yes, 31.  I mean...you're like a...real grown up.  That is something.  It really is.  I am really happy to be alive and too have seen all that I have in these years.  It has been a journey and I am so forunate due to it.  I want to thank God for allowing me to live this long, and pray I have a many more left. 

Happy Birthday Homie,

Self.

Random Tangent

Have you ever met a person and thought to yourself, "Man, he/she has some issues"? I know you have...hell; we all have at one point or another. The reason I asked the question is this: What if it were you that had said “issues” and the world could see you wearing it as a jacket, how would you feel? How would you respond?

Dwayne L.

Heartbreak

It's over.  It's really over.  My Cavaliers are....eliminated.  Unless you are a die hard sports fan, you cannot understand what a big game loss means.  Or better yet, the feeling one has inside when it occurs.  For me, I handle said games not very well.  I can't watch ESPN or read anything online...for at least a few days, and I guess its because I don't want to hear the over-excessive obvious opinions; My team lost, and why it happened.  Being that I am always in tune with my team(s), so listening and reading various talking heads' opinions about what transpired the night before, just doesn't do it for me. 

I need to be alone.  I need to grieve.  I need to heal.  And time can only heal those wounds.  Yes, I am a MAJOR LeBron fan and I know he didn't play his best, but what we all tend to forget about these athletes is that they are human.  They make mistakes and unlike us, they do THEIR jobs in front of millions.  When was the last time you had 20,000 people sitting in your office, and a few million at home, watching you work?  Regardless, I love my teams and when nights like last night occur, it really takes something out of you.  If i'm not mistaken, the game last night ended somewhere near 11pm, yet, I was up to nearly 8 this morning because I could not wrap my head around anything other than the Cavaliers.  Why they lost, what the plane ride back to Cleveland was like, what's LeBron going to do, did they fire Mike Brown already?  Those were just a few of the kajillion questions posed to myself as the game drew to an end and throughout the rest of the night. 

I am heartbroken, but I also know there is a tomorrow.  Now, will be a little different if say....King James leaves?  Yes, it will be, but I love LeBron and the Cavs, and that will never change.  I hate this feeling.  I hate the Television/Newspaper/Internet boycotts of all things Sport.  In a way, I guess I'm just like the athletes I cheer for;  I boycott all forms of media when we (like I play for the team) lose, I can't sleep or eat, and for some odd ass reason, like an athlete, after the hurt melts away, I become more and more driven to cheer them to victory (while they become more driven to win).  I have been called alot of things, but I've never not been called a real, true fan.  And that will never change.  I am in so much pain right now, but believe me, when the season starts in October, i'll be right there ordering the NBA League Pass, and building up to either another heartbreak or jubilation...either way, i'm always there.

Dwayne L.  

Dakota Alexandra

Hi Dakota, it's Daddy.  I just wanted to take the opportunity to say that I am looking forward to helping raise you and making life as wonderful for you as I can.  I apologize for not being there the moment you were born, but so many crazy things happened and sometimes you have to play the hand you were dealt. 

 Me and your mommy will do all that we can to love, nurture and guide you.  That I promise you.  I've only been fortunate to see you via pictures and webcam, but believe me, you are beautiful and I am looking forward to holding you in my arms.  Oh, you have a big sister.  She's 7, almost 8, lives in Maryland and is pretty awesome if I must say so myself.  She's excited to meet you and she will be a wonderful role model for you to emulate (her, and your other sister's as well.) I know this is kinda corny, but I just wanted to say hello, I love you, and I can't wait to see you.  This thing called life is one helluva ride, and I promise you will be prepared for it.  Well, I will see you in two weeks and from there, we will crete a bond unlike any other. 

Be good to and for mommy,

Daddy

A Letter To The King.

Dear LeBron: How are you family? I know you've better days, but the time has come to shut up all of the naysayers. Throughout these playoffs, you've struggled and dominated, but it wasn't with the consist flare and swagger we've all come to expect. You were right about one thing; everyone is allowed an off night, but this is so much bigger than just that. You have an entire basketball team, organization, city, and league on your shoulders tonite, but as the tattoo on your back states, you are the "Chosen One" and tonite's the night to let the world know it.

I couldn't in a kajillion years, try to understand what you've gone through since you walked off the court on Tuesday night. The questions about your impending free-agency, heart, team chemistry, and the city of Cleveland, to name a few, has to taxing. But you can silence it all tonite. With a game for the ages...sort of like Game 6 of the Eastern Conference Finals against Detroit 3 years ago, when you went "48 Special" on 'em, and shut the world up. I know you have another game like that in you, I'm just praying it's tonite. I wish you the best LeBron, and no matter what happens tonite win or lose (Please let it be a win), you will always have a "Witness" in me.

Dwayne L.

Red Sox Nation

I love the Boston Red Sox.  I mean LOVE them.  My birth certificate says Queens, New York on it and means nothing when it comes to my team.  I started rooting for them because I remember as a kid feeling bad for Bill Buckner and the ridicule he was taking for the "Play" that occured in 86.  Since the start of the '87 season, I have rode with them.  I always will.  From Pedro, to Nomaahhh, to Aaron "Fu*king" Boone, I've been there.  I shed a tear when Teddy Ballgame was introduced at the 99 All Star game.  Couldn't sleep when Boone tore my heart out in game 7.  Switched from jersey to jersey trying to give the team some love during the 19-8 massacre, cried like a baby when we won in 04 and again in 07.  I could go on and on with my love for the Sox, but I don't have too.  Anyone who knows me, knows that the Red Sox mean more to me in the sports world than any team.  The Cavaliers are running second, but I doubt I'll be in tears when they win the 'chip this season.  When Boston Keith Foulke got the last out in 04, I ran outside, shoe/sockless, with a bottle of champagne, and screaming so loud, that it woke my all of my neighbors.  And pissed off my wife at the time.  I am a CARD CARRYING member of Red Sox Nation...

I just love my team.

Dwayne L.

I Think I'm Becoming A Fan Of....

I love Josh McDaniels.  He is a head coach who leads, is feisty, compassionate, hungry, and smart.  I love Tim Tebow.  He is true to who he is.  He's a role model, a winner, a leader, and has the work ethic needed to lead any team as its quarterback.  I've never had a team that I rooted for specifically in the NFL and I don't know why, but I know that the intangibles that McDaniels and Tebow bring to the table, may be swaying me.

I've followed the Cleveland Cavaliers since '87, The Red Sox since '87, and Notre Dame Football since '88.  But I've never had an NFL team to call my own....ever.  I think that may be changing, and I may be leading the cheers for the Broncos from here on out.

Dwayne L.

Questions? Part IV

Why are so many parents so damn obnoxious at their kid's soccer games?

When was the last time you did something that made you happy?

Am I the only one who loves the NFL, but can't stand how they get more press and attention that any of the other pro sports?

Anyone else SO thankful that the DVR was created?

If you aren't close to but a few in your family, does that make your life less fulfilled?

Where would Aaliyah be in her career if she hadn't died so young?  (R.I.P. Baby girl)

Why do I see myself retiring in New England--New Hampshire to be exact?

Seriously, did Halle and Billy Bob REALLY go there in "Monster's Ball"?

Why is it that in Hollywood movies, you can shoot a shotgun like 73 times before you conduct a re-load?

How can the politicians even be cordial with each other, when they go out of their respective ways to be so nasty and cutthroat?

Why is it that nearly every black community, in every city, look exactly as it did 30 years ago?

Do some of our black entertainers realize that they are actually "Influencing" what comes out of our communities tomorrow?

Seriously, when is reality T.V. going to end?

Why did Chili from TLC even play herself and get a reality show looking for love?  Doesn't she, and everyone else in America, know that you find true love when you AREN'T looking for it?

I think i'm done asking questions....

Dwayne L.

Video Of The Day: Tears For Fears-Head Over Heels

Probably my favorite song ever...and one of my favorite groups ever...lyrics at its finest.

Dwayne L.

Why I Love LeBron James and the Cavaliers

That's my team
Dwayne L.

Why I LOVE ESPN's SportsNation

Here are just a few examples (videos) of my new favorite show on ESPN.
Dwayne L.

Video Of The Day: Jamiroquai-Dynamite

One of my favorite groups, singing one of my favorite songs. Go ahead, you can dance--I know you want to.

Dwayne L.

R.I.P. Keith "Guru" Elam July 17th 1962-April 19th 2010

Not sure how many of you are aware, but the Hip-Hop community lost one of its brightest stars this past Monday.  Keith "Guru" Elam, was a founding member of the Hip-Hop group Gang Starr, along with DJ Premier, and when I was younger, I thought no other rapper was cooler.  When you talk about someone having a command presence, and the ability to hold his own, Guru had it. I remember seeing the video for "Words That I Manifest" for the first time and thinking  "this Malcolm X looking cat is cool"--and their dancers are killing it (I had all of those moves down to the letter). 

Although not regarded as one of the best lyricist of all times, he actually was.  He had the flow, command, metaphors, and punchlines to hold his own with any MC of the day.  True, the production he and Premier wove together tended to outshine the content of his rhymes, but he was one of the greats.  Need proof, go back and listen to songs like " You Know My Steez", "Royalty", and "Just To Get A Rep" to name a few and tell me if I'm wrong. 

I remember the first time I saw "Mass Appeal" on Yo! MTV Raps, and I was just taken by how cool and fly he was.  The way he rocked he just went for his on the track and the swagger he displayed was so raw and under-appreciated.  He and Premo were a dynamic duo, but I truly believe he will forever be remembered for the genre-altering "Jazzmatazz" albums.  He was the first hip hop artist to combine a live jazz band with hip hop production and rapping.  It was also the first project to feature established rappers, opposed to the standard of using ones crew or posse to rhyme on an album.  At that time, the thought of hearing a rapper spit over the compositions of a Branford Marsalis, Ronny Jordan, and Roy Ayers, was unheard of. Its risks such as this, that will forever make him a legend. 

It's so funny how we tend not to appreciate greatness when its walking the earth with us, but I know his music will live on forever, because it was real music and was the soundtrack to many of our lives as we grew up in urban America.  Guru is all over my iPod and i'm sure that as I get older, I will continue to further appreciate and love the music he left behind.  Guru was actually a bacronym for Gifted Unlimited Rhymes Universal--and you know what, he had it and was it.

Rest in Peace Guru

Dwayne L.

Venting

Today is one of those days I just want to scream! April has not been a good month for me, nor is it going to end on the perfect accord. I guess all of the rough times you suffer through tend to either make you want to quit or persevere. I know I'm going to make it-- it just seems harder than it is right now--but my time is coming-- I just need to invoke some patience. Its just when you surfer through ALL I have over the last few years, patience just seems more like annoyance.

Who knows what tomorrow holds, but I just hope that when I do get the chance to see said tomorrow, its better than my previous 1,000 yesterdays.

Thanks for listening.
Dwayne L.

Video Of The Day: The Akron Hammer gives James Johnson a DUNKFACE!

In the words of Kenny Smith of TNT "Ohh, Take some of that!!"

Dwayne L.

Video Of The Day: Chuckii Booker-Turned Away

Takes you back to the days of Video Soul huh?  I know it does....

Dwayne L.

Just....

Sometimes, I need to write to let it all out.  At this particular moment, I'm not sure what I want to get out, but this forum always helps.  This past weekend I spent time between fighting old feelings, watching basketball (LOVES THE NBA PLAYOFFS!), and spending time with my daughter.  I had a conversation on Friday and the entire topic was based off of the saying "Hindsight is 20/20", and its so true.  If you had the chance to go back in time and change all of the mistakes you've made, would you?  Personally, I wouldn't change ALL of the mistakes, but the major few that i've made I would.  Why, because of my daughter.  There is nothing better than being a parent, especially one whom lives in the same residence as their child. 

That mistake (I'll let you read between the lines) is the one mulligan I would correct.  I am a dedicated, loving, and attentive father, and I love this role.  But, if I could be all of the aforementioned, but at home with her daily, I'd give anything to not have made the decision to divorce my ex-wife.  I have a nice amount of regret that will forever follow me in that regard, forever, but I welcome it.  Why, you ask?  Because, that terrible decision shaped me forever in the right way.  It made me appreciate true love, and companionship--and I miss that daily.  I know that whenever I meet my future lover, I will be all that I am supposed to be and more, and I am happy about that.  There is nothing better than growing from a situation that can be life-altering, and that one was.

On to other topics;  I think I have FINALLY, after several years of searching, found my calling--well, partially.  There is another goal I want to take on, and it won't hamper me from achieving the former, but I am excited as hell.  I've been talking about these new found "discoveries" ad nauseum with whomever is within earshot.  And the feedback has been completely positive.  Finding a passion--or in my case two-- is so awesome.  Its liberating, exciting, and terrifying all at the same time, yet, I finally feel free.  Free to go and obtain all that I long for and paving a path that will define my life and legacy forever.  That makes me feel great.  I know I tend to be vague when it comes to describing anything, but hey, It's in my DNA.

Anyway, thanks for reading/listening, and in the words of the legendary group U2 "I still haven't found what I'm looking for"  but at least I know where to start looking now.

Dwayne L.

All Together

It's that time.  That time of the year that seems to cause me so much heartache.  As any true sports fan will tell you, the playoffs are the most exciting and gut-wrenching time of the year.  The time when you're on the edge of your seat and the emotions of the games flow in a myriad of ways.  Personally, I don't take my Cavs losing that well.  Not even in the regular season, but during this time of year, a loss causes me to lose the ability to eat and sleep.  I know, I know, its crazy, especially since I don't "play" for the team, but that's the beauty of it all.  I give them all the support as if I were in the arena or a player in that locker room myself.

After having the league's best road and home record (second season in a row for both) and LeBron's impending free agency, there is so much pressure on 'Bron and the team as a whole, that I can feel it oozing from my computer screen. 

I love the Cavaliers with all of my sporting/cheering heart, and I will ride with them win or lose, but I CANNOT take another loss as I did last year.  It was hard to watch television, or to even have a clear thought after that series.  But I know this year will be different.  It will be.  That nasty taste of last season's loss, and the additions that have arrived to assist the king, are all that I (we) need to get by.  LeBron said it best yesterday "You're about to see a monster unlike any other in this year's playoffs" and I know he means it. 

This year's playoff rally cry is "All Together" and although I am just a fan, I am all in with this team and no matter how it ends, they will have my loyalty....but please God let us win it this season--I can't suffer another loss like last season...and neither can they.

Dwayne L.

Video Of The Day: Erykah Badu-Turn Away From Me (Get Munny)

 Nothing to say--this song is bananas.

Dwayne L. Shephard

Deep Thought Of The Day:

"I am sorry" 

When you utter that phrase, do you mean it?  Seriously?  How about this, try NOT to do the things that would cause one to say the aforementioned.  Yet, if you actually have to say this to anyone, please ensure you have the appropriate contrition behind it, because if you don't, you will always find yourself repeating said phrase, and never truly learning how to grow from mistakes.

Dwayne L.

Poem: Dreams

When I close my eyes, magic appears

That of my hopes, and also my fears

Some are like cheerleaders, minus the cheers.

Some, a quick synopsis of my darkest, most painful years

Dreams show me signs, some of a vivid imagination

where I can navigate a path, realitiy or some wild creation

I want understanding, yet I feel time is wasting

wasting on time, not on fascination

I see glimpses of who I used to be

that of a family man, walking toward a destiny

but now, they are random, not a true extension I see

yet, I can't seem to understand what these dreams are saying of me

Highs, lows, peaks, and valleys, but I wonder what my subconscience means

am I compassionate, free, and understanding...or a shell of a man, contempt to be

I don't know, answers seem to escape me, but dreams of happiness never flee

Reflective pool, are these dreams, that I know for a fact, as I smile with glee

But what about the scares, that wake me out of mydreams

are they still scares, without the company of screams

or...what if its a sequence out of a movie scene

that I happened to witness before I did, the pillow, lean

Who knows, but my dreams are mine alone, to understand

the definition of miscommunication, played by my own sandman

Maybe this is a prelude to my talent and unwritten plans

Or maybe, I'm a lone player, in search of a number one fan

Dwayne L.

I Can't Sleep

I can't sleep, so I guess I'll write down some random thoughts: 

Its funny how a lot of us were SO euphoric when the President was elected, but NOW all of a sudden, everyone seems to have some problem with him. I truly believe a lot of it stems from him being elected President, as a black man, also, the GOP has had a mighty hand in the "fear tactics"... Its modern day Jingoism, except, Health Care Reform was used.  That has added to alot of the division that's happened in this country. First it was, "Obama is a muslim", then it went to, "Obama is a socialist", too "Obama is the antichrist". I've noticed over the last few years, that Americans will believe damn near anything.

I believe in God 100%, but religion and the bible? Those are man made creations, so who knows WHAT to truly believe. I mean, we are following a book, that was written and told the stories of Christ, thousands of years ago, and we actually attempt to apply it to modern days. You always hear people say "times change, and you need to learn to adapt" yet, we follow a book, with no tangible evidence supporting it, and expect that and all whom "preach it" or "live it" to tell us its true? Question: God spoke to and thru alot of people during the stories of the bible, yet, he doesn't speak to us? I mean, when was the last time God appeared as a burning bush outside of your home or asked any of us to make a sacrafice to him? Umm, never, yet, we believe it because someone says too. LOL.

Really? If that's the case, then I guess when you "tithe" you are really giving money to God, huh? Why the hell would he/she need it?? To buy or pay off....what? I'm sure someone will come back with the "You are giving to the house of God, not to God him/herself" blast, but if we are really "giving to God's house and lining ourselves up for blessings by giving 10% of what we make", then why are there just as many, if not more, churches in black communities, than liquor stores, yet the physical and personal outcomes of those living in  said communities has never changed? So we don't come to our own respective conclusions anymore, huh?

Half of the people who have comments about Obama and politics as a whole, don't even follow either. You can tell by how shallow and baseless, their responses are. For example: "Man, I think he's the anti-christ", or "I have a bad feeling about him", and my personal fav, "he is killing our country". Some hear tidbits of this and that, and form what they consider to be "concrete observations" of what's true and what isn't. I believe the man is doing the best he can, under a flawed ass political, governance, and integrity-less system, that rewards the rich and murders the rest of us. Where were ALL of these people the last 8 years? Where were the Tea Party rallys then? We're all looking at the President's performance in office and want to "personalize it", meaning, what has he done for me? Last I checked, he was the President of the United States, and that covers all borders, cities, towns, and people. I commend the man, process, and completion, of a reform that's been 90 years in the making.  If only we can start doing what's right by each other, and stop the BS divide, that has us all at a standstill, maybe the world will be better place. 

Who am I kidding, we all have our vices, quirks, and opinions, and we are sticking to them--no matter how untrue or baseless, we are going to continue to do what it is, we believe...but is that actually right?


Diatribe over.

Dwayne L.

Special

Special:  The word itself is defined as: particular(a): unique or specific to a person or thing or category; "the particular demands of the job

In this particular setting...it's just random observations on life. I have been blessed to travel this earth, meet eclectic people, and have wonderful moments of clarity ....some, as viewed through the windows of my soul and felt in my heart:

I met someone special this past week.
I have a daughter that is so special to me.
I have a special ability to be very affable to everyone who meets me.
I crave the ability to be special to someone.
I have a special affection for rain soaked afternoons.
I see the special qualities in being emotional.

Am I special to someone when I do something nice and thoughtful?
I feel the special passion that encompasses any Diana Krall selection.
I respect someone who dedicates themselves to their respective special someone.
I witnessed that special moment in time, in Washington D.C., that occurred all over the world on November 4th 2008.
Who was the special someone in the beginning of the relationship before the love went away.....the hurt one, the one who left or both?

Everyone has their own special relationship with God.
That special feeling of hearing Sade sing.
The special moments of encouragement a people felt when Sam Cook sang"Change Gon Come"
Who was that special someone Anita Baker was singing about when she recorded "My Soul's Inspiration"?
When you realize being special is about what's on the inside and not in what you have.
Listening to Luther Vandross sing was special.

Growing from a boy to a man is special.
To return from Iraq was special.
Finding your soul is special...and then knowing how to contribute to the world.
To raise a child to be more than you were, is special
Falling in love is special
To kiss someone is special.

I am special.

Dwayne L.

Kariah S. Shephard

My Daughter. My queen. My love.....my life-blood. How do you put into words how you feel about someone who means the world to you? I can't. I have thanked my ex-wife so many times for giving me such a beautiful, delightful, and intelligent child.  We are so blessed! As you can see from the pic...this is the beginning of the end for me. See, as a father, your daughter will always be your Little girl.  That's so uncool because I will always see her as that Little baby/girl and I will always be her daddy, the protector of all, and her number one favorite. Alright, I know that isn't a reality and I am so scared. Am I raising her right? Am I doing my part to ensure she is ready for the world?

Will I be affable enough when she has questions about "boys" and why they are so stupid? I am not sure, but I have to prepare for it. I have had a life as tough as anyone, but I REALLY believe that the only blessing I have ever received is her. I am trying to be the man and father God intended me to be....and I must admit at times it is HARD. But, look at her......I can't quit......I have to continue to evolve.

Kariah, I love you more than I can attempt to express and I am so thankful for you. I know I have told you a many of times how much Daddy loves you, but I don't think there is anything more worthy than being the father you expect me to be. I am so sorry for the mistakes I have made, but I promise I will explain them to you personally when you are old enough to understand. Thanks for being the best child a father could ever want. I love and will always love you more than life itself. For everyone/anyone reading this....thank you for reading along....but as you can tell from the pic above, can you understand why I cried for 40 straight minutes during her Kindergarder graduation.....she is beautiful....and she is my daughter.....my baby girl.....my queen!

Dwayne L.

Questions? Part III

Why can't I go back in time and just be 16 again...for one day?!?

Have you ever noticed that Americans are split down the middle on every single important issue? The only time we seem to have a common agreement on anything, are in times of crisis (War, Natural Disaster, Terrorism), but that's only short lived because of our quick attention spans--is it so hard to just take that SAME united spirit and apply it to actually correcting the U.S.' myriad of issues?

When is Reality TV going to end?

Do people go to their High School Reunions for the following:
A. Re-ignite school spirit and reminisce on old times, classmates, and teachers
B. See those few people with whom they were close and lost contact
OR
C. Show off what they've become, versus, what you/they haven't--and to put it all up in someones damn face!....?

--I definitely choose the latter on that one....

If you really stop and listen to rap lyrics, it really makes you start to wonder: Why the hell would ANYONE actually enjoy listening too such blatant black on black violence, ignorance, misogyny, vain, homophobic, degrading, look-at-me, drugs/crime embracing, community deprecating, form of music as.....entertainment and a lifestyle to live by?

If you really just listened to the content of said music, and not the talented deliveries, would you truly be astounded by what was said above?

How many times have you seen the movie Friday?

What about Nightmare On Elm Street?

When did people become famous...for just being famous?

Does anyone watch ESPN as much as I do? If so/not, is that weird?

What immediately crossed your mind on 9/11?

Do you ever tell your true friends that you love them?

How many people do you believe will be at your funeral? Do you think they will mean what's said about you?

Who decided that we needed to pay for water, gas, and electric? Huh, who?

How does Bush sleep at night, knowing that he sent 4,000 young men and women, to their deaths.....for........? I was over there, and still don't know.

Is there really "nothing new under the sun"?

Why do we talk to our kids as we spank them? Who started that? Was I really supposed to answer those long-winded questions, as I attempt to save my own life? Was I, really? Huh?

Why did mom/grandma always tell you to GET a switch, KNOWING, we're coming back with something survivable....yet, she goes back outside and gets a baseball bat off of the tree to attempt murder on me with...hey, why the hell send me in the first place woman? Was it to make you madder?

I wonder what my future wife, whom I've yet to even meet, is doing right now?

Dwayne L.

Deep Thought Of The Day:

Sometimes in observation of young African American males, I wonder the following:

1. Do they realize they aren't carrying the torch for just themselves, but the next generation to come?


2. Where are the leaders....I mean, there are plenty of followers, but where are the leaders?

3. You do realize that "Hip Hop" is a form of music, not an ACTUAL representation of black people...and that your "blackness" isn't defined by how gangsta you are, how you dress, or by the way you walk or talk....right?

4. I pray that our communities finally pull it together...although its looking rather bleak at the moment?

5. What would Martin Luther King Jr, Malcolm X, Marcus Garvey, and/or Frederick Douglas say about the state of today?

Dwayne L.

Deep Thought Of The Day:

When was the last time you went to the mirror?

Not to see how good you look in whatever you're wearing, but to do some self-evaluation? You have to figure out who you are, and what your purpose is on this earth.

If you don't, well, you're just....here. And with you just being...here, how is that going to read at your funeral? What's your legacy? Are you leaving the world a better place then when you entered it?

Just something to think about.

Dwayne L.

In Uniform

Millions of Americans wake up and put on a uniform to go to work everyday. Some are Firemen, Mechanics, Cooks, or even Nurses. Yet, the uniform I'm speaking of, is one that I wore for ten years as a member of the United States Military. The U.S. Air Force to be exact. You see, wearing that uniform meant a lot to me when I was in it daily, but now that I'm not, it resonates with me so much more.

To know that every time I put the blouse, pants, boots, and beret on, I was representing America, was surreal. The totality of representation and responsibility never fully hits you until you start looking back on your time served...well, at least in my case anyway. There were some great, good, bad, and terrible times, but I don't regret a single moment. If I were to convey, via this blog, everything my time in the USAF meant, it would take a lifetime, but I can say this with complete contrition: I truly miss it.

I miss the Formations, Guardmounts, Salutes, F.O.D (Foreign Object Damage) walks, Commander's Calls, Deployments, and Exercises to say a few, but more than anything, I miss the people. Nothing can compare or replace the camaraderie, spirit, or life journeys, experienced with all I served with, and got to know personally. I have made friends for life. People from different walks of life, backgrounds, and nationalities.

People from Iowa, Washington state, Oregon, California, North Carolina, Massachusetts, Rhode Island, and Japan, to name a few. All because our respective paths crossed during our time in uniform. I'm sure the college campus experience can offer a feel similar to the aforementioned, but everyone is there for individual reasons. In the military, some may have joined for individual reasons, but that changed as soon as you arrived at Basic Training.

The people always make or break any job situation and I can honestly say, I served with the best people I've ever known. Thousands of them. From North Dakota to Guam, I met some of the best people God created. And you know what, I don't want to do my childhood over again, nor my High School days, but if I could do it all again, from Basic Training, to my final out, I would...in a New York Minute.

Of course I'd change a minor thing or two, but even if I were tasked to do it all again, the EXACT same way, I would. To all of you still in uniform, you have my unwavering respect, love, and admiration. Damn, if I just be called Sergeant Shephard one more time....well, I guess that's what dreams are for....right?

Dwayne L.

Video To Vibe 2: Let Me Show You-Michael Jackson & The Jackson 5

This song captures the magic that WAS Michael Jackson. The vocals, arraignment, and delivery, are of pure genius. You can thank me later.

Dwayne L.

Video To Vibe 2: Nicolay feat Carlitta Durand-Saturday Night

I will let the music speak for itself...

Dwayne L.

Video To Vibe 2: Incubus-Just A Phase

Beautiful Music at its apex.

Dwayne L. Shephard

Deep Thought Of The Day:

" How was your day today"?

That a phrase will always keep a fire burning in your relationship. Why? Because it lets your significant other know that you care about what goes on in their world, and it opens new avenues of communication.

Try it.....I'm telling you, it works.




Dwayne L.

Tiger Woods and the U.S.O.P.C.

I haven't really given my opinion on the Tiger Woods fiasco of 2009-2010. So here it goes: I don't care. Period. The man is human. With a billion dollars in the bank and temptation that the average man can only dream about, I am not surprised it happened. Not even a little. I am in no way condoning what Eldrick did. All I'm saying is, he made some bad choices, and he and the wife are trying to work things out. The End. But, its not going to be that way, nor can it be.

See, Tiger lives in the times of the 24 hour news cycle, the Internet, and camera phones. Every one now has the chance to be a celeb for a second or 15 and they are shooting for it. Tiger and all of his trysts, are now of permanent record in U.S.O.P.C. (United States of Pop Culture) He cannot change that, but I commend him ahead of time, for he is about to face scrutiny no other athlete EVER has.

But those are the times we live in. I would have never thought I'd live in a world where the amount of money you make, gives some, the feeling to believe your entire personal life is free game and open for discussion. Especially when those same decision makers wouldn't wish that same level of bashing, invasion, and various radical opinions, on themselves.

I know I'm right about this, but as long as money continues to run all things, we will be continuously subjected to an endless cycle of other adults problems, that we don't have the right to listen too.

Dwayne L. Shephard

Poem: Sunshine, Rain, Storms, and Hurricanes

Sunshine, Rain, Snow Storms, and Hurricanes

pretty much covers all of my emotions, yet some seem to outweigh others...

If you closed your eyes in a darkly lit room, you can visualize all of the aforementioned

but what if your existence was a collage of them all? From conception to actuality, could it describe your life's intentions?

What if I said Sunshine was my daughter, Rain was my decision-making, Snow Storms were my friends, and Hurricanes were my family...would that be great?

What if I said Sunshine was my God, Rain was my Devil, Snow Storms were my hopes, and Hurricanes were my aspirations...could you relate?

Ok, Ok, what if I said Sunshine were my Smiles, Rain were my tears, Snow Storms were my Trials, and the Hurricanes were my fears....how is that for my fate?

Truthfully, we've all had moments where all four played in a part in any single situation

when your heart, mind, spirit, and mouth were all standing at the same train station

waiting for the ride to take you to that great unknown...its only speculation once you step aboard, and your destiny is truly known.

have you ever planned out any certain instance to the letter, only to have it fail as if you should have planned a little better?

That's how I feel about Sunshine, Rain, Snow Storms, and Hurricanes

you see, to some, Sunshine is the greatest of the four mentioned, but many prefer others.

Me, I relax on Sunny Days, Write & listen to Smooth Jazz on the Rainy days, Want to be outside during Snow Storms, and are completely mystified by the beauty of Hurricanes...

Does that make me weird? to some sure, but not to all....and that's what life is all about.

You have no idea whats going to happen tomorrow, nor to you know when your last breathe will take place....so as I look in the mirror at this face that I recognize sometimes, I say this:

Enjoy the Sunshine, Rain, Snow Storms, and Hurricanes, because they all have a meaning, a definition, and a place...but don't get over consumed by any one more than the others, because your asking for a one sided experience in this thing called life.

Deep Thought Of The Day:

If you have someone special in your life, don't just tell them how much they mean to you, SHOW THEM! Remember the saying "Actions are louder than words" Its true. Cherish whom you share love with.

Dwayne L. Shephard

Video To Vibe 2: George Duke-Someday

For those of you who are Common fans, you should recognize the sample.

Dwayne L. Shephard

Questions? Part II

Wasn't High School the best and worst times your teenage years?

What ever happened to the Robot 'Vickie" on the television show "Small Wonder"?

Why are the things that are so bad for you (fast food, tobacco, alcohol, sweets. etc), the best?!

Why do we take love for granted?

Why wouldn't one party like a rockstar whenever they get the chance?

Why go to the club, pay $10 to $20 for parking, stand in line for an hour, pay $20 to get INTO the club, just to stand around, not dance, entertain, engage.....NOTHING! Why go?!

Is it just me, or did the 80's produce the best music?

Who in the hell decided one day "I'm going to say I'm Saint Nick...ohh, Santa Claus! I'll fly all over the world in one night, even though we all live in different fuc#ing time zones and COUNTRIES." So this was just done in one night...by an out of shape pale/colored white guy with deers!?

Where were you the first time you watched Friday the 13th?

Remember when MTV, VH1, and BET showed videos?

Who rocked Bugle Boy Jeans?

Where do I want to retire?

Who in the hell came up with Marriage?

Why is it that in America, we are SO over consumed with religion, and all that it "represents". Yet, we have a separation of Church and State and we think anyone is crazy who says they "speak/spoke to God"?

Why are there SO many Churches and Liquor stores in predominately Black communities?

The End.

Dwayne L. Shephard

Video To Vibe 2: Herbie Hancock-Running To Me

Random Thoughts

I am a fan of love. I really am. 100% sure the few who "truly" know me will beg to differ, but I am a major fan of it. Major as in, I've learned to appreciate and value the precious gift that is....it. It's so funny I should write this, being that I have just become a fan of the aforementioned in the past two years. I can go on for days, explaining why and how I've reached this point, but that's for another time. But to answer the question of: Why am I such a "fan" of love? There is NOTHING on earth that can match the electricity and adrenaline mix that is love. On the flip side, there is NOTHING worse feeling than giving your mind, body and soul to someone, who seems to care lesser than less and ultimately stomps on your heart. Oh, and the fact that I've have been on both sides of love (Happiness/Heartbreak) and both sides of game (Gamed/Gamed on). Its so crazy how your perceptions change when you hit "fandom".

Honestly, we all WANT love, yet when some of us receive/have it, we treat it as if it's cancer. We don't want it. I mean, we want it like say....a scarf, but we don't need it in a life or death manner to stay warm. There are a many of men and women out there WISHING they had someone, and the individual who is in the "Taking all aspects of the relationship for granted" phase is just enjoying the dangerous ride. After all I've been through, I just want to be happy. I'm sure I share that sentiment with a lot of people, but i seriously just want to be happy. I don't want 4 to 5 women, trying to get my playa on...no, I want one women. One that I appreciate and respect. And she that way about I. The reason I wrote that last blurb was to say this: Communication, Honesty, and Integrity, will ALWAYS lead to a successful relationship.

If you aren't willing to offer ALL three when you enter into said relationship, you are turning over the hourglass for heartbreak, and gearing to throw it all away.

I believe in love. I really do. Ensuring those three elements listed above are woven together, will keep the two in love, woven together.

Dwayne L.

Questions? Part I

Why do we as Americans complain about politicians and how slimy they are, yet every election, we're right back at the voting booth electing ANOTHER individual of the same elk?

Who in the hell started this new version of the sag--you know the "show your entire ass" phenomenon? Who the f@#$ started this and when is it going to end?

Isn't Karma a bitch?

When are we as African Americans going to get rid of the "crab mentality" and then rid ALL of our communities of violence, drugs, and financial exporting?

Who the hell thought of the name Montana?

What happened to the soul, passion, creativity, professionalism, and love for music?

Anyone have doubts now?-Congrats to Kathryn Bigelow-first woman to ever win the Best Director Academy Award.

After Facebook and Twitter, what's next?

Why can't we just appreciate the man/woman holding our heart daily, instead of having the relationship deteriorate, then finally seeing the full value of their worth and importance to your existence?

Why aren't the men and women in uniform praised DAILY, instead of on a few holidays or when a war is beginning? Pisses me off!

Have you ever looked at a stranger and just wondered what their life was actually like daily?

Ever wish you could go back in time and be a kid again?

Why aren't artists such as: Eric Roberson, The Foreign Exchange, Esparanza Spalding, Elane Elias, The Roots, Res, Conya Doss, and Chris Botti (to name a few) aren't the Diamond Selling artist, making 50 million a year, and being adored the world over? These are examples of true musicians!

I guess that's enough for Part I huh?

Dwayne L.

Poem: Inveigle Me Baby

One of my oldies, enjoy:

Inveigle Me Baby

You had me going Ms Lady I must say

Played me in every conceivable way...

Up...down....side to side....round & round

Had me feeling as if I were doing flips while standing on solid ground

Hmm...You were good...nah, scratch that, you are good

Good at manipulation, you and your narcissistic ways

Great at fucking up seconds, minutes, hours, hell, whole sunny days

Your attempts to win me back are futile...

My panacea with you...is to get away, miles....by miles...by miles...

What did I do to deserve this?

Don’t get me wrong, I know the answer, but I want to hear your rationale and justification for being who you are?

Oh...this should be good....I wonder if I have the "Inveigle Me Baby" look on my face...I doubt it....but hey....

Oh snap, she's going for the "looking down at the ground, with the expression of death and remorse on her face" face...she's going for gusto.

As I stand here...in my mind I’m screaming, "Go ahead yo!" but my external demeanor is as cool as the 14th of January near Lake Michigan...She starts with...."I just...I don’t know...baby I...."

You can stop right there....you see, the left side and right side of your brain are doing a dance in search of answers...yet, I don’t hear any music

I'll tell you how things are how they are...

You’re a Vain, Myopic, Neurotic, and Caustic girl posing as a woman...you would not know love, commitment, honor or sacrifice if it walked up and said hello I’m all of the aforementioned...yet you wanted to walk with my heart in tow?

See, I’m okay now, because you taught me what NOT to look for in love, and its okay, because this moment of jackassery was needed to discover the real he, who is searching for the real she. So I want to say thank you mami...thank you for fake loving me, fake needing me, for all the fakes ...without you, I'd never know what to look for when I do decide to look for real love....thank you for being that lady, thank you for the Inveigle Baby.

R.I.P Clearance Flint--March 10th 1954-March 9th 2010

Dear Uncle Clearance:

What's up my man...I'm pissed that I'm not going to see you anymore, but its just your time. I know in instances like this we tend to question why, but no, I'm going to think of the great thoughts and rejoice in the times we shared. You were not a man of many words and some would look at you as "different" but you were a brother to some, an uncle to many, and a man of God and that's all that counts. There were times I'd wonder "What would have Unc's life been like if he's had the chance too..." I never seemed to find whatever image, sentence, or movie as an answer, and I'm sure those thoughts will become even more active after your passing.

But know this: you had a heart, a life, and a family who will always love and think of you. I know in the today's views your life may not have left the biggest mark, but to me, you lived as you were designed, and you always, always had a smile. I told you to take care of yourself and that I loved you the last time I saw you and you shook my hand and said the same. Remember how I used to always come into town and as soon as I saw you, you'd offer that right hand and say "Hey there Dwayne" and I'd always respond "dude, I don't take your handshakes, you better give me a hug"? I'd settle for that handshake right now.

I love you Uncle Clearance.


Dwayne L. Shephard

Welcome!

Welcome to Gemini Observations. My name is Dwayne and I guess i'll be your tour guide. The purpose of this blog is to discuss and/or post whatever happens to come this mind of mine. I am a lover of reading, music, the arts, politics, life, and of course sports. I hope to capture your attention as you view these observations....

Thanks for visiting!

Dwayne L. Shephard